Two days ago I shut down my blog because I couldn't even pray and after telling everyone that prayer was my most valuable tool I did not want to be a hypocrite. These past two days have been an extremely stressful time. The thoughts that have gone through my head I would not ever post on here, I am too ashamed. Where was my faith? I knew I still believed but I felt abandoned, hurt, angry and simply could not understand why I felt this way. Where was my faith? My mind was a raging battlefield, leaving me emotionally bruised and battered. Where was my faith? How could this be happening to me, how much more could I stand, was this ever going to end? All questions I asked myself over and over again. Where was my faith?
I am going to make this a short entry because I feel emotionally drained and do not want to inflict my issues on anyone else. Mostly, I wanted to thank God for not giving up on me although I let myself believe He had left me alone to flounder about in an ocean of doubt. God tells us He will never leave us or forsake us but I allowed my mind to be open to the enemy and that was a huge mistake.
My prayer is simple tonight. Father, to you who gave life to all, who created everything, be praise, honor, glory and majesty for ever. I am humbled just to know that I am loved by you.
Thank you for your Son's redeeming blood, for your love and mercy flowing down so unreserved, for blessing me in too many ways to count, for a husband who puts up with me, for the caring people you have placed in my life and for family to love even when it's painful. Lord forgive my doubt, forgive my unbelief, forgive my attitude at church today and if I offended anyone I pray they will also forgive me. Guide me in the coming days to make the right decisions in the matters concerning Taylor. Watch over her and if it is your will at this time put her in the path of a Christian peer who would have a positive influence on her. I pray she would choose to make wise decisions and get her life back on track. Be with Tracy and her family, bless them as they follow your plan for their lives, keep them safe as they go about there day tomorrow. Lord, be with Chris, bring him back to you. I would love to be here to witness it but if not that's okay because your timing is everything.
Thank you for your precious Son in whose name I pray. AMEN
Dear Father, we know not your ways, nor do we understand
the reason for the suffering that falls within Your plan.
This ache we feel is fierce and deep, it reaches to our core.
No pain that we've experienced has ever hurt us more.
At times when shadows block the sun and tears obscure our view,
give us clearer vision Lord that we'd see only You.
Our suffering is known to You, our anguish is Your own,
Lord, gird us now with grace and peace more then we've ever known.
Lead us from this shadow-land into a brighter day,
for we will feel your peace again, because You made The Way