December 22, 2011
The good news is, Keith seems to be feeling the slightest bit better today. The bad news is, I am not doing so well. I am trying very hard to keep my head above water but pretty soon my nose will be the only thing sticking up. The past few days I have cried buckets of tears. There are three separate challenges facing me and I am trying with every ounce of strength to hold it all together but I have to admit I am growing so weary of being strong. My main focus is to help Keith through this battle with cancer. I need prayer for all of the other issues choking the life out of me so that I can focus on Keith. Life can be very cruel, very cruel. That being said I do know that God is at the helm and pray that he will be glorified when all is said and done.
I called the oncologist yesterday because I was very concerned over the fact that Keith was not getting out of bed, for the last six days, except for necessary reasons. This is so not like him. I know that chemo is rough on the body but even knowing that doesn't make it easy to witness. Before this happened he would spend at least eight hours, of every day, in his office on the computer but since last Thursday he hasn't been on it at all. I feel bad for him because I know that it is his comfort zone, where he feels most natural. These last few weeks have been difficult to say the least and I have had moments where I thought I couldn't go on but I am still here so God must be very near. That keeps me going along with the prayers of family and friends. Thank you all.
There is something going on, of which I cannot speak, that could be serious, so please don't slow down on the prayers. This morning I was so distraught I couldn't seem to get it together, I cried in bed, in the shower, out of the shower and back in bed...lol. After an hour or so of this I finally realized that what has me so upset is something I have no control over and therefore I was not going to let it interfere with caring for Keith. God loves me and will not leave me in this dark hour. When oh when, will I stop trying to gain control. I really don't want it. I am powerless and know that God can turn this mess into something beautiful, so someone PLEASE, just kick me in the butt and tell me to get over it. That might be far less painful and more productive.
December 23, 2011
Another day, another dilemma. Do I get out of bed or do I stay put? I would love to stay put but that's not happening, dilemma solved. Every move I make is an effort lately and it is tiresome, hence the not wanting to get out of bed, but duty calls and people depend on me.
I feel like I have been thrown in a bull ring and the red cape has been plastered to my body. I'm trying to get the thing off but have discovered it is not a cape at all but a big target, which has been painted dead center, front and back, so no matter which way I turn the bull will like what he sees. As I dance around, trying to slough this thing off the bull just looks at me, steam coming from his nostrils, hooves scraping the ground and prepares to charge. Suddenly, there is movement, and it isn't the bull, it's me running towards the big black, saliva dripping antagonist, waving my hands frantically and screaming at the top of my voice, "get out of my way you don't scared me anymore, God has removed the targets and you, giant mass of muscle, can huff and puff, scrape and drip but my dance card is full and you are not on it!
I listen for his tender voice
to soothe my troubled soul
and then I hear, "you have a choice,
no need for such a toll.
Give me all that weighs you down
or try to carry the load
I'll give you a smile to replace the frown
and strength to walk the road
Get out of the ring, the battles won
no need to prove a thing
I'll walk with you until it's done
great peace to you, I'll bring
So if the storm clouds gather strength
remember I am stronger
For you I'll go to any length
so worry child no longer.