Monday, May 14, 2012
Where do I begin? For over a year life has been very complicated, confusing, overwhelming and simply put 'arduous'. If not for my faith in a God who loves me and cares deeply for me I could not have survived these past months. There was a point when I began to feel as if I might lose my sanity. It was a frightening time and I pray I never feel like that again. Months have passed, Keith's chemo is over and God has taken his cancer away. How grateful we both are, how truly grateful. What I am about to write in no way takes anything from the wonderful news of his remission. I am putting it on here to help myself see things more clearly. There is something very unsettling occurring and though I can't discuss it right now I would covet any and all prayers. At this moment I feel like a piñata that's been repeatedly whacked by people who want a piece of me. I am hopeful that, as of May 25th this issue will be in the past so I can concentrate on those who need me rather then those who want, from me, something I don't have. It is said, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and this past year has taught me that this is true. Before the events of the past fifteen months or so I never considered myself to be a strong person. Emotionally, I am too soft for my own good and perhaps God decided I needed to toughen up a bit. Perhaps not, who really knows? Am I stronger, I hope so. Am I still too soft, probably. God designed me so I have to believe that I am empathetic for a reason. It can be, however, a very painful characteristic. Sometimes, I wish I was a man so that I could compartmentalize everything neatly in its own little space in my head where I could access it easily but only when necessary. I'm not disparaging men it is the way they are designed. My problem is that there is way too much 'stuff' competing for attention in my head and I am unable to compartmentalize any of it. C'est la vie! I do know there will be more trials ahead, that is part of life, and I hope I am better able to cope because of the recent past. Time will tell what God already knows so I am trying to rest in the certain knowledge that He is in control.